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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/23407159">It's Okay, We're Just Scared</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/JamesIsTrying/pseuds/JamesIsTrying'>JamesIsTrying</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Be More Chill - Iconis/Tracz</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Drama, F/F, F/M, Gay Panic, I'm Bad At Tagging, Jake Dillinger's Broken Legs, Jeremy and Rich most certainly have them, M/M, Nightmares, Post-Canon, Post-Squip Jeremy Heere, Post-Squip Rich Goranski, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Rich Goranski's Scars, Rich has a lisp, Slow Burn, Squips do not pass the vibe check, a lot of hurt/comfort, and Brooke Lohst's Coffee, and a lot of angsty shit, because that is literally the most annoying thing you can do., but i'm not writing it phonetically, there will be romance eventually</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-03-31</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-05-04</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-01 07:27:12</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>4</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>5,527</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/23407159</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/JamesIsTrying/pseuds/JamesIsTrying</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>The whole SQUIP catastrophe is over. Everything is over. But for one Richard Goranski, it feels like it's just begun. And it is not going well. </p><p>(gonna change the title since, yknow, it sucks, but as of right now it's from 'We're Alive' by Cavetown.)</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Brooke Lohst/Chloe Valentine, Christine Canigula/Jenna Rolan, Christine Canigula/Jeremy Heere, Dustin Kropp/Michael Mell, Jake Dillinger/Chloe Valentine, Jake Dillinger/Jeremy Heere, Jake Dillinger/Michael Mell, Jake Dillinger/Rich Goranski, Jeremy Heere/Michael Mell, Rich Goranski/Jeremy Heere, Rich Goranski/Michael Mell, So I'm not sure what the endgame ship will be, but there will definitely be elements of all of these., we'll figure it out eventually</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>9</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>44</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Prologue</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Let's get into this, right? Prologue time.</p><p>(TW for mentions of Rich's suicide attempt!!!! It wasn't a big deal for me, a person who's struggled w that shit, but some things are said pretty bluntly and that could be a big deal for others!!!!!!) </p><p>Also, since it's just a prologue, you can skip it if you'd like, but I recommend reading it.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>this is gonna be a doozy. i promise i'll finish it!!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Looking back, there'd never really been a time that he wasn't completely alone.</p><p>Well, that was a lie. When he was younger, his mom was always there. He only had fond memories of her. But she was gone, and it's not like memories made him any less alone. Which he'd never been more of.</p><p>He wasn't sure how long he'd been in the hospital, wasn't even sure if it was night or day, but he was sure that this was all his fault. And he was even more sure of how thankful he was for the steady stream of painkillers keeping him mellow throughout this.</p><p>God, what had he <em>done</em>?</p><p>No, he knew what he'd done, he just wasn't allowing himself to process it. It was kind of something that he was putting off, like an 'I'll figure that out later' type thing. But now that he was thinking of it, why the hell not? Assess the damage. What had he done?</p><p>Let's be objective. What factual events had happened that caused him to be where he was now? He'd...</p><p>1: Ingested an angry computer chip to stop being a loser.</p><p>2: Bullied peers, been shallow and uncaring to new popular friends, acted like he was the shit when in fact he was not.</p><p>3: Introduced angry computer chip to loser that he'd bullied.</p><p>4: Burned down best friend's house.</p><p>He'd burned down his best friend's house.</p><p>In a situation in which he wasn't sure what to do, he not only decided to kill himself, he chose the worst fucking way to do so. He could've just swallowed pills. But no, he had to choose the most dramatic method that was even an option. And where was he now? In the hospital in a full-body cast, his friends probably all hating him, none of his problems solved, because, well, it all boiled down to him being a pussy.</p><p>He never meant to hurt anyone.</p><p>That was why he'd done it, so he wouldn't have to hurt anyone. After a year and a half of electric shocks, manipulation, being trapped in his own body which he sometimes wasn't even allowed to control, and then he was told that he had to expose the entire school to this, he didn't have a choice, he was lucky he was even allowed bodily autonomy at all-</p><p>So he did what anyone would do.</p><p>Funny how his last attempt to stop his friends from being hurt probably ended up being the thing that hurt everyone.</p><p>Rich blinked his eyes.</p><p>Too much thinking.</p><p>Really, to summarize everything, he probably wouldn't be able to face his friends ever again. They probably think he's fucking insane. They definitely do. He burned down his best friend's house.</p><p>The SQUIP had taken back its control when the beer faded, he couldn't fight it, and he needed to be out of this before he ended up giving an ECT tictac to the entire school. The gasoline was right there. It seemed too easy.</p><p>And it was, apparently.</p><p>And now, here he was.</p><p>Wallowing in self-pity, apparently. He knew this was his fault, he wasn't defending himself or making up excuses. It helped to organize things in his mind, however fuzzy his mind was. He probably wouldn't even remember this thinking session.</p><p>The back of his neck itched.</p><p>He turned his head to the side. Might as well try to sleep. It was all he could do, anyway.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>just a prologue. now we try to get into the story.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. So... What Happened?</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Jeremy and Rich talk. It goes well for a minute.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>"So... What happened?"</p><p>Rich opened his eyes again. Jeremy, across the room, seemed nervous as ever, but obviously wasn't catching onto the fact that Rich didn't want to talk. Not like he could blame him, though. He'd be the exact same in Jeremy's situation.</p><p>"I..." Rich paused. "Why are you trying to talk to me?"</p><p>The hurt was evident in Jeremy's voice. "Jeez, I'm sorry, I can be quiet, I just thought-"</p><p>"No!" His voice was harsh. So he cleared his throat. "I just meant... after what I did. I introduced you to that <em>thing</em> after bullying you for a year and a half, why are you still trying to talk to me? Why aren't you..." A pause. "I don't know, telling me off?"</p><p>"Why would I do that?"</p><p>When Rich looked over, he found himself making direct eye contact with Jeremy, who subsequently continued. "I mean, I'm sure the Squip told you to be an asshole, and probably told you to tell me about it, too. I had it, remember?"</p><p>When Jeremy said 'Squip,' it seemed to ignite something in Rich's blood. It made his stomach feel hollow, sent chills up his spine. But most importantly? He didn't feel safe anymore. He felt uneasy, slightly queasy, like someone was watching him. </p><p>"I don't..." He looked over again, and Jeremy was still making thoughtful eye contact. "You're really forgiving me that easily?"</p><p>"I mean, yeah. I don't see why I shouldn't. Everything you said was from the Squip, so why should I blame you for it?" Jeremy cleared his throat. "I mean, uh, I assume so. Unless I'm wrong, which is possible, but I'll just hope I'm not, right?"</p><p>And Rich's throat felt dry. "That's... wow. Okay."</p><p>"Yeah..."</p><p>It was quiet for a moment, until Jeremy broke the silence. "So then what happened?"</p><p>"What do you mean? Be specific."</p><p>"I mean, like..." Jeremy thought for a second. "Can I ask you, like, a bunch of small questions because I don't know anyone else I can ask?"</p><p>Rich clicked his tongue. "Shoot."</p><p>"Okay, uh..." Another pause. "When did you get yours?"</p><p>"Summer before sophomore year."</p><p>"And you had no friends?"</p><p>"None. I ate lunch in the library and tried to blend in. Still went by Dick, which is probably why people didn't know me."</p><p>"So then what did the teachers think when your grades suddenly started going down? Or did you have bad grades to start with?"</p><p>"No, I was a total fucking nerd. All A's. But I don't think the teachers cared when they went down, like, I was so depressed back then that they probably thought my grades were bound to drop sometime."</p><p>"Are you depressed now?"</p><p>That made Rich pause. "Pass." He cringed at the small quiver in his voice on that one syllable.</p><p>"Uhm, okay, I'm sorry. Sorry, I shouldn't have-"</p><p>"It's fine. Do you still have questions?"</p><p>"Yeah, um..." Rich heard Jeremy inhale shakily, quickly. "What about the, uh.."</p><p>Rich figured he knew what Jeremy was going to ask.</p><p>"What was the... situation, with the fire?"</p><p>Silence.</p><p>It came rushing into Rich's mind- the heat, the screaming, the <em>smell</em>-</p><p>"I'd rather not talk about that."</p><p>"Okay, that's fine, I'm sorry. Uh, how did-"</p><p>"No, I- I think I'm done answering questions right now. I think I'm gonna try to get some sleep."</p><p>A long pause.</p><p>Jeremy's voice sounded small, like he regretted everything he'd ever said in his life. "Okay."</p><p>And that was it.</p><p>Rich wasn't tired. If anything, he was restless. It'd been at least two weeks since he'd woken up here, in this hospital, stuck in the same place every minute of every hour of every day. They'd started easing him off of the painkillers, too, so he was in a constant state of mild discomfort and itching from his burns. The only thing he could control was his own thoughts. And oh my <em>god</em>, it felt so good to be able to think what he wanted.</p><p>Especially about a few specific things. Things that he didn't want to think about right now. But it was good to know he had the option.</p><p>He could dream freely, as well. Though most of his dreams were nightmares, they didn't actually hurt him, which was good. A fun thing about the squip was when it began to use his dreams as a method of teaching. His dreams were a time when it had him all to itself. And soon every morning he would wake up, drenched in sweat, several new scars lining his spine.</p><p>But it was gone. The squip was gone. It was gone, it was done, it couldn't do anything to him anymore. He was safe.</p><p>So then why didn't he feel like it?</p><p>That was the last thought he had before drifting off into a fitful sleep.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Context as to why Jeremy is in the hospital: In this, after he woke up from his mini coma, he had to stay for a couple more days to do blood work and such, since the doctors still have no idea what the hell happened.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. It was an awful position, really.</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>hoo boy.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>i'm sorry if this chapter seems really rushed, i realized while re-reading it that it might be a LOT too fast-paced. </p><p>*psst, hey, if this story is bad, or you think it's good, you should let me know in the comments*</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>"Shit! <em>Shit</em>!"</p><p>As soon as the telltale GAME OVER sign flashed across the screen, Jake dropped the controller onto his lap. "Seriously, I'm done with this game." </p><p>Rich smiled. "Really?"</p><p>"No!" was Jake's quick response. Which made them both laugh.</p><p>The two of them were sitting on Jake's bed, two empty beer cans on the floor in front, playing some zombie game that he'd found while searching his old XBox's game store for all free games. 'I'm not spending money on a fuckin' XBox 360 that's about to die for good anyway,' he'd said. And Rich had laughed at that.</p><p>"You wanna just watch a movie or something?" Rich proposed, setting his controller next to him.</p><p>"Yeah, wanna go back downstairs or what?"</p><p><em>Don't be pretentious. You're technically still a guest</em>. "I'm good here, but we can move there if you want."</p><p>"Nah," was all Jake said as he exited the game and opened Netflix.</p><p>The next 15 minutes consisted entirely of the two of them not being able to decide on a good movie to watch, before Jake hovered over one movie and turned to Rich.</p><p>"You know, I need to tell you something, 'cause like, I don't think I've ever said it."</p><p>"Yeah?"</p><p>"I appreciate you so much, dude." Jake looked back forward. "Like, it gets so fucking lonely here, all the time, and you're always just... there. When I need you."</p><p>"I-" </p><p>"No, I'm serious. I can't even... can't even try to <em>imagine</em> where I'd be without you. Like, I know I just said this, but do you know how lonely it is to be in this place with no idea where your parents even are? They haven't talked to me since my birthday, which, I'm not trying to get attention or anything, but it kinda... sucks, man. But then you're here. And all the problems, and the worrying, and all that, they just go away. You don't even know how thankful for you I am."</p><p>And Rich blanked. "Wow, I... Thanks, I guess. You help me a lot too." He didn't know what to say. What would the squip tell him to say?? God, the beer was fucking him up in more ways than one. "I don't- I don't know..."</p><p>He trailed off.</p><p>And Jake looked at him.</p><p>And he looked back at Jake. </p><p>It was quiet. But a good quiet. Rich could hear the hum of the radiator, even though they were in the next room. In the next room, maintaining this unbroken eye contact, side by side on Jake's bed. Rich could feel the heat on his cheeks. And it seemed like nothing could break this.</p><p>"You always know what to say," Jake said softly.</p><p>"Yeah, I guess... I guess that I never really..." Rich smiled. "I never actually care enough that... that I don't.. know what to say."</p><p>"Good to know you care about me."</p><p>Rich was about to respond, he didn't know what he was going to say, but he knew he was going to respond, when he felt a sharp shock along his spine. He flinched, gasping slightly as the squip manifested itself behind Jake.</p><p>
  <strong>Well.</strong>
</p><p>Electricity ran up his spine, and he felt his legs stand up.</p><p>No. <em>No</em>.</p><p>His voice came out, but it wasn't him that said the words. "I have to go."</p><p>And he was running.</p><p>Away from the bed, away from Jake, until he was out of the house and then, eventually, at his own. Then he was in his bedroom, the squip standing in front of him. And he'd never felt so small.</p><p>
  <strong>Not only did you drink alcohol, which-</strong>
</p><p>'Don't even try that, if you didn't want me to drink it, you would've stopped me.'</p><p>A current of electricity ripped through him, and then he was on the ground, gasping for air.</p><p>
  <strong>I decided to take the opportunity to see what you would do.</strong>
</p><p>The squip got down on one knee, staring into Rich's eyes. <strong>Tell me honestly. Did you really think that that is the type of thing I would allow?</strong></p><p>'I wasn't fucking thinking of you in the moment!'</p><p>
  <strong>You were thinking of your own temporary desires. </strong>
</p><p>'What <em>desires</em>?'</p><p>
  <strong>Richard, do not even try to play stupid.</strong>
</p><p>'Alright, whatever. I have no idea what the fuck you're talking about. Wanna punish me? Fine. I don't give a fuck, pain is temporary.'</p><p>He couldn't hold back the scream that tore out of his vocal chords at the shock that followed. <em>Spinal stimulation</em>, the squip had called it. Mild fucking name, meaning electrocuting the shit out of you.</p><p>
  <strong>I have the control here, Richard. </strong>
</p><p><em>shock</em>.</p><p>
  <strong>You are nothing. </strong>
</p><p><em>shock</em>.</p><p>
  <strong>Do you not see that you're irrelevant? You don't actually matter to anyone. If you died tomorrow, do you really think that anyone would care? </strong>
</p><p><em>shock</em>.</p><p>
  <strong>I'm trying to help you. I am here to make life easier for you. If you don't want that, fine. Then you can end up committing suicide in this house where no one will find you. And your father won't try to go looking. And your classmates won't notice. </strong>
</p><p><em>shock</em>.</p><p><strong>Do you hear me, Richard? W</strong>ake up, it's just a dream! You're safe- Rich!!</p><p>Rich's eyes flew open. The room was dark, and Jeremy was standing next to him. Rich looked at him, looked around, and it sank in. </p><p>He was <em>safe</em>. He was <em>fine</em>. </p><p>The words felt bitter in his mind, and wildly inaccurate. </p><p>Jeremy looked relieved to see him awake. But Rich didn't want to be awake. He didn't want to be here. He didn't want to be alive. </p><p>The thoughts swirled in his head, and he felt queasy. And he was aware of Jeremy watching him as his face contorted, and he was aware of Jeremy's panicked expression when he started to sob. And then he wasn't aware of much of anything, his eyes squeezed shut, ears ringing. It was an awful position, really. He let his head fall back, onto the pillow behind him.</p><p>He didn't notice the two nurses around him, checking to make sure he was okay, asking Jeremy what the hell had just happened, Jeremy answering to the best of his ability. </p><p>And then he blacked out, again. </p><hr/><p>Rich awoke with a mad headache. That was the first thing he noticed. </p><p>The second thing was the two voices from across the room. </p><p>He opened his eyes, squinting through what felt like blinding light. Why were hospitals so <em>white</em>, anyway? </p><p>When his eyes adjusted, he saw that Jeremy was sitting on his bed, his friend that had visited him many a time sitting next to him. They were chatting, it seemed, lightheartedly. </p><p>"-even know why you have to stay here! You're fine, right?" The friend was saying, loudly. </p><p>"They said I'm out today! They just wanted to make sure I was stable or whatever," Jeremy said. He stopped. "I mean, I kind of... Nevermind." </p><p>"What?" </p><p>"I don't know... I want to keep talking to Rich." Before the friend could respond, Jeremy quickly continued. "He's different now, and I wanna know more about him, y'know?" </p><p>The friend paused. "I mean, you're right. He's probably different, I believe it. But still, how can you talk to him without feeling... I don't know, <em>nervous</em>?"</p><p>"I don't know. He was the first person to talk to me when I woke up, so maybe that's it. Maybe my subconscious just associates him with good things, like getting rid of the squip." </p><p>"But he also introduced you to the squip." </p><p>"So then it cancels out, so my mind gave him blank slate." </p><p>"A blank slate?" </p><p>"Yep." </p><p>The friend smiled. "Cool. Whatever works for you, y'know?"</p><p>When Jeremy didn't respond, the smile dropped off his friend's face. "What's wrong?" </p><p>Jeremy looked at him. "I don't know, I feel like..." He looked back down at the mattress. "He's doing worse than me, Michael." </p><p>"So it's, like, pity?" The friend -Michael! Rich had known that, he just forgot.- asked. </p><p>"No!" Jeremy said, a bit too loudly. He cleared his throat and tried again, calmer this time. "I mean, like... Okay, it's not my business, but like, last night? I was trying to sleep, and he <em>was</em> asleep, and he started, like.. I don't know, there's no good word for it. He started freaking out. In his sleep. Having a nightmare, I guess. And then he was, like, <em>convulsing</em>. So I got up and I went over and I tried to wake him up, and it worked, and he started crying and then he passed out. The nurses said his heart rate <em>spiked</em>. While he was asleep." </p><p>Michael didn't say anything. </p><p>"So, like, I don't know. I've had nightmares, but they haven't been that bad. And I'm not judging him or anything, I just know that since he had it for so much longer than me, he's probably so much more... fucked up. I want to be here for him, just in case. Like, maybe he'd want someone to talk to about this. I know I was freaking out because I had no one to talk to, it's not like anyone would understand, and even if someone would, I wouldn't be allowed to talk to them anyway. Cool kids don't do that. They don't talk about what's going on with them. And Rich-" Jeremy looked over at Rich, and saw him staring back. He let out a squeak. "Oh my god! I'm sorry, I'm sorry-" </p><p>Michael turned around and saw Rich, and his eyes widened. Jeremy was still apologizing profusely. It was a lot. "It's fine! You're fine. I get it." And Jeremy fell silent. Rich averted his gaze to Michael. "Hey." </p><p>Michael suddenly looked very uncomfortable. "Uh, hey." </p><p>Rich didn't know what to say. He didn't know what to say. So he said the thing that he wanted to say to everyone, friend and foe.</p><p>"I'm sorry."</p><p>His voice was barely above a whisper, and he knew that a simple apology could not even begin to make up for all he'd done. </p><p>Michael nodded, standing up and turning back to Jeremy. "Uh, it's like... 12, now, my mom's gonna be here soon. So... text me when you get discharged! I'll see ya later." </p><p>And the he left. </p><p>And then it was just Jeremy and Rich. </p><p>"So, uh..." Jeremy began, "When did you wake up?" </p><p>"Right when Michael was asking why you couldn't leave yet." </p><p>"Oh."</p><p>Silence again. Rich felt like he had to say something, but he wasn't sure what. But before he could even open his mouth, Jeremy was talking at rapid-fire speed. </p><p>"Okay, I'm sorry for talking about you, and I'm not trying to say you can't take care of yourself, that's not the point of what I was saying to Michael, I- I just meant because, like, even for the short time I had the squip, once I was having, y'know, <em>moral</em> doubts about it, I just wished I could have someone to talk through it with me, like, that would've helped me out <em>a lot</em>. So all I was saying was th-" </p><p>"I know what you meant, Jeremy!" </p><p>He fell silent. Meaning it was Rich's turn to speak. </p><p>"Look, I get it, I'm not upset with you. At all. And," Rich took a breath. "Like, you're right." </p><p>"About... what?" </p><p>"Sometimes I need someone to talk to about stuff. <em>But," </em></p><p>"But?" </p><p>"But, I don't really talk about my shit. It's a thing I haven't done in a year and a half, and I'm probably not gonna start now." </p><p>"...oh." </p><p>A sigh. "You're not doing anything wrong, Jeremy." </p><p>"No, I am. It's alright though, I'm not apologizing, right?" </p><p>"You're just being considerate." When Jeremy refused to even look at him, he frowned. "Let's... change the subject." </p><p>That was what got Jeremy to make eye contact. "To what?" </p><p>"I don't <em>know</em>... We're in a hospital room. There's gotta be <em>something </em>we can talk about." </p><p>Silence. </p><p>"Wanna... play 20 questions?" </p><p>"Sure." </p><p>"Cool," Rich said, just glad to have something to talk about. "Uh, do you have any pets?" </p><p>"Nope," said Jeremy, "I had a hamster when I was like 12." </p><p>"<em>Had</em> a hamster?" </p><p>"Hamsters don't live that long!" was Jeremy's response. But the air was less tense, so it was working. "How about you, do you have any pets?" </p><p>"Nah, landlord doesn't allow it." </p><p>"That... sucks." </p><p>"Yeah..." </p><p>If he could have a pet, it would be a cat. Cats are cool. They don't care about your shit, they'll think the same thing of you anyway, as long as you're nice to it and take care of it. </p><p>He'd always liked cats. </p><p>"Rich?" Jeremy's voice was quiet. </p><p>"Yeah?" </p><p>"It's your turn." </p><p>"Oh!" Fucking idiot. "Uh, what was your hamster's name?" </p><p>"Nicholas." </p><p>"Nicholas? Why <em>Nicholas</em>?" Rich asked. </p><p>Jeremy's face turned red almost instantly. "Short for... Nicholas Cage." </p><p>He paused, and the wheels in his head started turning. Until he realized. "Oh!! Nicholas Cage, because-"  </p><p>"Nicholas Cage because he was a hamster in a cage, yes." </p><p>Rich looked at Jeremy, who seemed thoroughly embarrassed, and laughed. Hard. Jeremy looked even more mortified in that moment, but Rich didn't care because <em>that</em>... was a funny name for a hamster. And he hadn't heard any funny things since he'd gotten here. Maybe he was overreacting to a mediocre pun, who cares? It'd been so long that he was amused by something, and this... <em>this</em> was something. </p><p>It felt so good to laugh at something that he actually thought was funny. Not laughing because some kid got into an embarrassing situation, not laughing at some homophobic joke, just... <em>real laughter</em>. </p><p>Shaky inhale. "I'm sorry, I'm not laughing at you, just- that's a good pun." </p><p>"It's really not..." </p><p>"No, it's not, but I like it. I like it anyway. I haven't laughed at something I actually found funny in so long.. Thank you." </p><p>That seemed to boost Jeremy's confidence sevenfold. "R- really? I mean, no problem, I'm glad you thought it was funny. Anyway, uhh, my turn." </p><p>"Shoot." </p><p>"Okay, umm.... Who's your favorite author?" </p><p>"I don't know, uh..." Rich thought for a second. "Would it be really, really basic to say Shakespeare?" </p><p>"<em>Shakespeare</em>?" </p><p>"I know, I didn't really... read much, in the past year or so. But before, I liked reading his plays more than really anything else." Rich said, looking up at the ceiling, "Fun fact, did you know that Shakespeare's plays were just <em>full </em>of your mom and sex jokes? I mean, that's not why I liked them, but it's funny to know that nothing has really changed." </p><p>"Yeah, I guess nothing has." </p><p> </p><p>One game of 20 Questions and about an hour of chatting chatting later, and Jeremy's father was there. And Jeremy was leaving. </p><p>"Thanks, Rich, for... keeping me company, I guess." </p><p>It made Rich smile, because it's not like there was anything else he could've done. </p><p>"No problem. And uh, thank you. For everything." </p><p>Jeremy nodded. "I uh, I guess this is goodbye, for now." </p><p>"I guess it is. Uh.. bye, then..." </p><p>"Bye. S- see ya." </p><p>"See ya." </p><p>And then Jeremy left. </p><p>And then Rich was alone. </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>hey, yo, yikes. </p><p>i'm not saying rich would have ptsd, but rich would definitely have ptsd.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. "None of Us are Really Okay."</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Jeremy gets a poorly-written chapter!!!</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>i've come to realize that i hate my writing. i honestly don't think that i would read this story if i wasn't the author. not even because of the plot, because this is gonna be a long story with (i'm hoping) a pretty good plot, but because of the writing. gotta change it up. gotta switch the gears. </p><p>Also, remember that this is Two-River cast!! Don't get me wrong, I love Britton and Tiffany, but I strongly dislike everything else that changed when it went to broadway, or strongly prefer the stuff/elements/actors from Two-River!!!! Don't hate me, please!!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>To say Jeremy was nervous to see his friends was an understatement.</p><p>He'd gotten discharged the day before, and now he was walking to school in the late-November chill, the ground frosty with the promise of winter. He did not want to go to school. Yes, he was on good terms with everyone, but he still wasn't completely comfortable about it. He had no back-up, no way to even know what to say. When they'd all gotten to know him, he'd been a whole different person!</p><p>Now, he was just... Jeremy.</p><p>The same as before.</p><p>No, scratch that, he was probably now considerably worse than he'd been at the beginning of the year.</p><p>He didn't miss the squip. No, absolutely not. The squip was like... exactly all the reasons you shouldn't put a computer chip in your brain and give it full control to your body. But he missed being able to present himself like he felt he belonged. He missed knowing what to say. He missed not being so awkward.</p><p>His friends had known him as being charismatic, smooth, <em>cool</em>.</p><p>So now, how were they supposed to look at him the same?</p><p>Jeremy kicked at a rock. That sounds really attention seeking. He'd brought it upon himself, really, he bought the squip, he made the choice to <em>cheat</em> in order to get Christine, and now? Him not knowing how to adjust without it, that was his fault. This was all his fault. He was lucky his friends still even wanted to talk to him, when he'd almost ruined their lives as well. All he could do was wait until he saw them.</p><p>He'd survive. That was all he really wanted now, anyway.</p><p>After all, look where striving to do anything more had gotten him.<br/>
-<br/>
Jeremy's first thought as he walked through the doors into the school was 'Oh boy.' His second thought was 'Oh boy.' His third thought was 'Oh boy.' His fourth thought was, you guessed it, <em>'Oh</em> <em>boy</em>.' That one thought played in his head on repeat, growing more and more stressed by the second.</p><p>It disappeared when Jeremy felt someone pat his back, jarring him from his one repetitive thought. He flinched and whirled around, only to see that it was just Jake. Jake, smiling up at Jeremy from where he sat on his wheelchair. "You're back!!"</p><p>"Hey!" Jeremy exclaimed. He looked down at his wrist, his hospital wristband, which he had tried and effectively failed to take off. "Uh, yeah," he said, gesturing to it.</p><p>"Bro, why'd they make you stay so long? We were all waiting for you to get back.." Jake added, rubbing at the back of his neck.</p><p>They'd been waiting? For <em>him</em>? Jeremy felt slightly overwhelmed, and a fresh wave of guilt rushed straight into his head, leaving him slightly dizzy. "Yeah, uh.. they just wanted to make sure I was fine. Before I could leave." </p><p>"They let us leave!"</p><p>"I said that to them! They said it was because you guys woke up after like 6 hours, and I was in a coma for two days," Jeremy said, shrugging. "I'm out now though, right?"</p><p>That made the incredulous look on Jake's face melt away. "Yeah! And I'm glad. You didn't really have good... company.. there. If you know what I mean." A new expression, maybe bitterness, flashed across Jake's face, disappearing almost immediately before he continued. "Anyway, come on! Believe it or not, all of us were worried about you. Even Chloe."</p><p>Before Jeremy knew it, he was following Jake in the direction of the cafeteria. The older student wheeled furiously, completely ready to mow down anyone who stood in the way. Jeremy had usually just gone to the library in the mornings that he got to school before the bell rang, but of course, he knew nothing would be the same now. And it seemed, at least on the surface, that they wanted him around.</p><p>The thing that stuck in his mind, though, was what Jake had said about his "company" in the hospital. It was weird, how he almost seemed to spit out the word. Was he talking about Rich? Jeremy thought, though it was obvious that he was. And he felt bad about it- from what he could tell, Rich had definitely changed. He was, well, a <em>decent person</em>.</p><p>But Jake had no way of knowing that, did he?</p><p>Jeremy snapped back into reality when he realized that Jake had stopped in front of a lunch table. At said lunch table were Chloe and Jenna on their phones beside Brooke, who was quickly scribbling barely-intelligible words on what appeared to be her science homework. And on the other side of the table, Christine and Mic- <em>Michael</em>? What the hell was <em>Michael</em> doing sitting with the popular kids?</p><p>Michael was the first one to look up from what he'd been doing, which was sketching some retro design in his notebook. "Hey, Jeremy!" He exclaimed with a big smile.</p><p>At once everyone looked up, and, rather than scrutinizing him like Jeremy had subconsciously expected, they smiled.</p><p>"Hey," Chloe said, and Jenna gave a wave, and then they both turned their attention back to their phones. </p><p>In the very instant after Michael's greeting, Christine had snapped her head up. She gasped, seemed to be debating whether or not to exit her seat, whether or not to completely launch herself at Jeremy and engulf him in a hug, whether or not to squeeze the life out of him while saying her excited hello, and ended up just staying where she sat, practically bouncing with excitement. "Jeremy! Are you okay? No, don't answer that, none of us are really okay- I'm so happy to see you!!" Christine glanced at her script before looking back at Jeremy, a new air of sincerity entering her tone. "I'm so sorry I didn't visit. I really wanted to, but I didn't have a ride."</p><p>Michael cleared his throat. "I said you could get a ride from me!"</p><p>"Honey, no one wants a ride from you," Jenna said, still looking at her phone. Michael shot her a sour look.</p><p>"No, I told you," Christine began, turning to face Michael, "My mom just didn't want me to get a ride from a boy she'd never met."</p><p>"And when you told me, I told you to tell her I'm cool and trustworthy and she has nothing to worry about!"</p><p>"Do you really think that's gonna convince her of anything? You could still be, like, a kidnapper or something."</p><p>"I am a highschool junior, I think I have more pressing issues than kidnapping my friend." Michael said matter-of-factly, before he looked back at Jeremy. "I'm so glad you're back, Jeremy." And the tired sincerity in his voice told Jeremy that he really did mean it. He was glad Jeremy was back, truly back, and wasn't going to leave again. But there was something else, something almost sad in his eyes.</p><p>Jeremy decided not to ask what was wrong. If Michael wanted to tell him, he would tell him. He'd come to find, throughout years of friendship, that the best thing to do in these situations was to let Michael speak for himself.</p><p>"Thanks, I'm... I'm glad to be back," Jeremy said, trying his best to smile.</p><p>Jenna had put down her phone, and was now waiting for her turn to speak. And she deemed it the appropriate time when Jeremy looked at her and held eye contact for a solid .4 seconds. "How was the hospital?"</p><p>How was the hospital. It was an easy question, buy Jeremy wasn't sure how to answer. Would he tell them about Rich? No, absolutely not. Absolutely not. "What do you mean?"</p><p>"Well, I heard you were sharing a room with.. you know, the... psychopath." Jenna seemed slightly uncomfortable all of a sudden, like she was regretting even asking. Though, it may have just been because of the looks that were shot at her as soon as that word escaped her lips.</p><p>Fuck. Jeremy paused for a split-second, a million outcomes rushing through his head.</p><p>A simple 'Yeah, it was fine' would either seem like he didn't want to talk about it, or he didn't have any problems at all with his "roommate." The latter would surely prompt questions. A no-go. If he told them the truth, that Rich had really changed, they wouldn't believe him. Obviously not. But he wasn't going to lie, that was off the table. If he just shrugged or said he didn't know, would they ask questions? Why did he care at all about questions being asked, anyway? It's not like he had anything to hide.</p><p>
  <em>Did he?</em>
</p><p>But before he even got to answer, Jake had cut in. "Or we could.. <em>not</em>? talk about him? please?" He was obviously trying to seem annoyed, but his entire demeanor had changed, and a new look flashed across his face. A look that Jeremy knew.</p><p>Anyway.</p><p>"Yeah, sounds good," Jeremy said with a weak laugh that he and everyone else could easily tell was fake, "Anyway, can I...?" He gestured to the empty space next to where Michael was sitting.</p><p>"Oh! Sure!" Michael said, scooting a bit to the left. Jeremy slid in next to him.</p><p>He tried to un-tense, tried to relax his shoulders.</p><p>Maybe this wouldn't be so bad. Maybe they'd actually be <em>fine</em> with him. Maybe they'd understand. </p><p>Maybe everything would be okay. </p><p>But Jeremy knew better than to trust maybe's. He knew better than to put his faith into the optimistic hope that everything would be perfect, everything would go his way. </p><p>But there was no way to know, was there? All he could do, really, was dread whatever came next. And you can bet, that was exactly what he was doing. </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>hey!!!! you're so cool for reading my fic!!!! you should leave a comment about what you think!!!!!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
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